Day 117. No Regrets

It was bleak here yesterday.  Very bleak.  No blue showing in the sky at all.  Just thick, opaque grey clouds that were too heavy to float.  They were introspectionjust hanging there, like a painter’s drop cloth, dangling from a ceiling.  Lumpy.  Still.  Oppressive.  Dark.  Dingy.  Gloomy.

Somber.

Leafless, lifeless trees.  A cold wind, blowing.  From my fifteenth floor apartment, I could hear it howling like the soundtrack to a Halloween horror film.  And it was cold, too.  That damp, raw cold that makes you shiver.  The cold you feel under your skin.

Winter cold.

This truly is, hands down, my  least favourite time of the year.  No redeeming qualities.  It just looks, and feels, like death.

Which in some ways, it is.  It makes me want to crawl into a cave, from which I emerge in the mid to late Spring.  When the tulips and daffodils are just starting to peek their heads out of the still hard, cold earth.  November totally saps my energy.  And yesterday,  it put me into a reflective state of mind.

Introspective.

And it was the absolutely perfect day for it.  My exploration into my heart, my soul and my psyche revealed a lot that I already knew.  That, like a moth to a flame, I always seem to be drawn to men with ‘danger’ written all over them.  Men who fill my life with drama; and melodrama.  Uncertainty. Turbulence.  Love and hate.  Highs.  And down low, lows.  Passionate relationships, to be sure.  But with equal measures of pleasure and pain.  What’s interesting is, both can feel good.  Both can be enjoyed.  Up to a point.

But I don’t regret any of them.

There have been risks I could have taken.  Should have taken.  And others I should have avoided.  Some choices reconsidered.  Some words never spoken.  Some actions never taken. Some trust, misplaced.  Some friendships disappointing.  Some decisions better than others.  Some errors in judgement.  Less throwing caution to the wind.  More attention paid to the little voice inside my head.  Some bad calls.  Some mistakes.

But I don’t regret any of them.

In fact, I celebrate them.  They make me who I am.  Stronger each time.  Better each time.  Smarter each time.  More resilient each time.  More determined each time.  Wiser each time.  More confident each time.  More tolerant each time.  More understanding each time.  More independent each time.  More eager each time.  Less concerned each time.

Because I learn something each time.

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2 thoughts on “Day 117. No Regrets

    • Thank you! For reading, taking the time to comment and for appreciating the alliteration. I have a fondness for it myself, as you now know.

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