Cold as in -27 celsius with the windchill. Cold as in frostbite. Cold as in bone-chilling. Cold as in frozen window panes. Cold as in the streets are deserted. Cold as in even I’ve had to crank up the heat. Cold as in I have to close my window (which is only open a crack to begin with) and jump back into bed for twenty minutes while the room warms up, before I’ll take my shower. Cold as in my cats won’t get out from under the duvet.
And I’m not bitching and moaning. It’s unbelievable, even to me.
From time to time I may mention it, casually, in conversation. As in, “can you believe how cold it is?”
But I’m not miserable. I’m not cranky. I’m not complaining. I’m not grimacing. I’m not snarling. I’m not crying. I’m not avoiding the outdoors. I haven’t moved into a cave. I’m not hibernating. I’m not even counting down the days until Spring.
Nor have I resorted to wearing long underwear. Or sleeping with a hot water bottle. Or wearing flannel PJs.
It’s quite alarming, to tell you the truth. I hate the cold. I always have, even when I was a kid. Kids love winter. But I never did, not even when I skied and skated.
Has someone crept into my apartment while I was sleeping and given me a lobotomy?
Believe it or not, the other day I went for a walk. A WALK!!!! Because the sun was shining bright, it was only about -10 and I thought it was quite balmy. I swear. I even told a friend of mine it was a lovely day.
We all know our credit cards can get hacked and our identities stolen — but can our personalities get stolen as well? Because let me assure you, this is not me. Not the ‘me’ I’ve known all my life. Trust me on this. I am not exaggerating.
What could possibly have happened to me? Will I ever come back, or is this it? Will I now, and forever, be known as Nanook of the North? Can I expect a move to Alaska in my future? On second thought, scratch that as long as Sarah Palin’s there. But you know what I mean.
Will I never again crave a beach holiday? Swaying palms, coconuts, steel drums, gently lapping waves? Infinity pools? Rum-based fruit drinks decorated with tiny paper umbrellas? Sun screen? Sand castles? Flip flops? The limbo?
Should I file a Missing Person’s Report? What would I say? “Heat-seeking, cold-hating female last seen in November of 2014 in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Known to swear loudly and frequently when temperatures dip below 60 degrees. Mutters under her breath and shakes her head violently when sidewalks are covered in snow. If you see her please wrap her in a blanket, give her some jerk chicken, show her photographs of the Caribbean and call the nearest police station. Her brain may have been stolen.”
Please let me know if you find her. I really miss her.