So now I bet you’re sitting there saying “What planet is this woman living on? What does she do, eat in restaurants all the time, or live on frozen dinners or have a personal chef?” The answer to that would be “no“. Sure, I eat out sometimes and I have been known to linger at the grocery store take-out counter.
But I also cook. I like to cook. The thing is, I’m on a diet. Yeah, ‘yawn’. Isn’t everyone always on a diet? What’s the big deal?
The answer to that is, “there is no big deal.” What it is, though, is probably the most complicated, convoluted diet ever. Truly. The week is divided into three ‘phases’.
During each phase there are specific things you can and cannot eat. There are specific portion sizes (GARGANTUAN!!) you must eat, some of which differ between phases. And then there’s how many times a day you have to eat. That would be five times. Yes, five times. Three full meals and two snacks, that feel like full meals.
I’ve had to stop shopping for groceries for the week because there’d be no room in my fridge. No exaggeration. So now I shop per phase. Right. On Sunday I shop for Monday and Tuesday. On Tuesday I shop for Wednesday and Thursday. And on Thursday I shop for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Then there’s the planning. Before each of the three phases begin I consult all the charts and graphs and lists and tip sheets and recipes and meal plan maps to try to figure out what, exactly, I will eat each day, working from the prescribed food list and nothing but the prescribed food list. And, needless to say, from that comes my grocery shopping list.
Not exactly easy when there’s five meals a day and the charts and graphs and lists and recipes are changed or updated every time you blink. My dining room table is beginning to look like the war room at NASA, I swear. In just two weeks I’ve gone through three lined pads of 8½ x 11 inch paper.
Yes, I know, I should be doing it on an Excel spreadsheet. I have no idea how to even do one, nor do I want to know. I’m a creative. Excel gives me a rash.
On a happy note, I reckon I’ll have upper arms as toned as Michelle Obama’s from hauling around upwards of six, heavy bags of food three times a week. Who needs strength training?
And have I mentioned yet that among all the other rules you must follow, you must also drink half your body weight in water everyday? Yes, half. The only thing I will say about that is, I wish I owned shares in Charmin®.
If you’re wondering when I have time for a life, I don’t. I’m even finding it tough to schedule work in. You’d be surprised to see how good I’m getting at shovelling food into my mouth with one hand, while I’m typing with the other. So forget about socializing entirely. Besides, even if I could find the time, I’d need a U-Haul to transport all the food I need wherever I go. There’s no cooler bag big enough, trust me. And I’d have to travel with my own fold-up buffet table.
This plan, The Fast Metabolism Diet, is designed to wake up your metabolism. Which is exactly what I need because mine has been asleep so long it’s in a coma. The woman behind it all, Haylie Pomroy, is a California-based author, food coach, dietary trainer, nourishment expert, registered wellness consultant and, what with her clinics in Beverly Hills, products, books etc. I’m guessing, a gazillionaire.
Before you shake your head and admonish me for falling victim to a snake charmer, read the book. What she’s saying does make sense. And it is probably the healthiest way to eat imaginable. Which is why I’m trying it. That and giving my metabolism the kick in the ass it needs.
There are no cravings, at least not that I’ve had. How could there be with all that food? And good food, too. There’s more than enough variety to ensure you don’t feel deprived of anything. No coffee or dairy though. That can be difficult. On the other hand, the other day I literally moaned with pleasure as I chomped my way through two cups of celery and three tablespoons of raw almond butter.