Can’t you just see everyone who comes into contact with me, who’s read this headline, slowly backing away? I can. Kinda funny, actually. But they really should have stuck around for the rest of the story, because it only applies to me and technology and electrical appliances. Humans and animals are safe. At least as far as I know.
In the last month alone everything I’ve touched has turned to shit. We had a power outage a few weeks ago. Not just in my apartment building, in a huge area of Toronto. Of course it happened the instant I arrived home with six bags of groceries, most of which were perishable. I live on the 15th floor and had no intention of schlepping those bags up all those stairs. Not that it would have helped me if I had. No electricity, no refrigerator. The power was out for more than seven hours.
What was weird about it was, when the power came back on my stove didn’t work. It didn’t work the next day or the next and ultimately it had to be replaced.
My laptop’s hard drive went kaput a week or so ago as well. My Time Machine’s not backing up either. In fact that’s how I found out about the hard drive. My TV stopped working for absolutely no reason, and it’s not an old relic. I have no idea what happened. All I know is, I had to crawl all over the floor, in semi-darkness with only a small flashlight, while a technician on the phone instructed me as to which cables and levers and buttons and switches I should disconnect and reconnect and disconnect and reconnect again (sigh). And again. And again.
Life can be very tedious.
And now a couple of days ago my cordless phones started acting up. No, the battery doesn’t need charging. I keep them charging whenever I’m not using them. I’m getting static and crackling and all of a sudden the phone goes dead, right in the middle of a conversation. Then I can’t make outgoing calls. And I keep getting bizarre messages that say “the link is too far from the handset.” Even though I’m practically on top of the handset.
The pièce de resistance, though, was about three weeks ago. I decided I wanted to use my slow cooker, which hasn’t been out of my pantry for at least four years. It’s been so long since I used it I’d forgotten it had a ceramic liner in it. You know where this is going, don’t you?
So I guess I wasn’t as careful as I should have been when I was lifting it out.
The glass cover went in one direction, the liner went in another and all I was left holding was the stainless steel pot; and my breath. Amazingly the cover remained intact when it hit the floor but I wasn’t so lucky with the liner. “SMASH!!!! CRASH!!!! THUMPITY THUMP!!!!!!”
Yep, smithereens. Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, in a million pieces all over my kitchen floor and into the hallway. Large pieces, small pieces and some so tiny they were like dust.
For a minute I just stood there in horrified silence, but as I saw one of my cats inching his way over to see what was going on I realized I had to clean it up pronto. Last thing I needed, or wanted, was for my cats to either cut their paws or worse, lick and end up swallowing some of the teensy tiny pieces.
By the way, I tried and tried and tried and tried to get a replacement liner. No such luck. Although my cooker was in mint condition somebody at Williams-Sonoma thinks it’s outdated. They’ve replaced it with a newer model (not that there was anything wrong with it, but you’re no good to them if you’re not constantly buying) so the replacement liners they now have don’t fit. Wouldn’t you just know?
At least it wasn’t full of some food I’d just cooked. Trust me, if that had happened you wouldn’t be reading this right now because I would have jumped off my balcony.
Surely you agree I have some bad karma going on here. I’m looking for a Shaman. Seriously. I think we better wave a smudge stick around in my apartment before the whole place self-destructs.