Now it’s my turn to go under the microscope …

I love watching people and trying to figure out what makes them tick. It’s something I’ve always done. Except when it comes to myself. At least not that deep exploration that really digs way beneath the surface to find that “stuff” we’re all so good at burying.

Until now.

Because that long, wonderful, illuminating conversation I had recently with a friend has made me curious about myself — and the motivation behind a lot of my choices, decisions and even some of my relationships. And when I say “relationships,” I’m not just referring to the romantic variety. Business relationships count too.

It’s interesting. I’ve never regretted my mistakes. I don’t look for anyone else to blame, I own them and I’m okay with them.  Mistakes come with important lessons and as long as we learn those lessons, and don’t repeat them, there’s nothing to regret — at least as far as I’m concerned.

But understanding why we do what we do, why we love who we love, why we have the friends we have, why we want the jobs we want, why we sometimes ignore warning signals even when they are screaming at us — that’s a whole other story.

And that’s the work, the self-examination we usually don’t do, most often because sub-consciously we’re either afraid of what we might find, afraid that it might be too painful or we simply don’t understand that we should.

What I’m realizing though, since that dinner with my friend, is that it’s those answers that are the key to our true selves; and it’s those answers that are the key to moving on, to going forward, to discovering, understanding and fulfilling our purpose.

She (my friend) said many wise, important and thoughtful things that night. But the one point she made that I cannot get out of my mind is this: “Why we are attracted to certain people really has nothing to do with them. It’s all about us, it’s all about our own needs. And that’s what we have to figure out — what our needs are.” What drives us to do the things we do and make the choices we make.

It’s not simple, it’s not easy and it’s not quick. It can take years. Years and years and years. For some it takes a lifetime. But here’s the rub:

Until we figure it out — painful as it may be, scary as it may be — it will just keep happening and we’ll never learn the lesson. We’ll continue to gravitate to the same kind of people, make the same mistakes, do the same damage to ourselves, over and over again. A vicious circle, a cycle, a pattern that can’t and won’t be broken until we peel away all the layers of protective coating and expose whatever it is within us that attracts us to certain individuals.”

That’s the quest. I’m working on it.






13 thoughts on “Now it’s my turn to go under the microscope …

  1. Very simplistic yet very complex Fransi, this explanation of – it’s written in the stars, our path of life was long ago laid out for us which ever route we decide to take, those we meet on life’s travel was meant to be?

    • I agree to a great degree, but I still think sometimes we are given options. I am not sure that the path doesn’t sometimes break off in different directions. We can choose door number 1 or door number 2. Maybe there’s even a third. That’s when it gets interesting and complicated Chris.

  2. “It’s all about us, it’s all about our own needs.”
    I keep coming up against that realization – especially when I am in “fault-finding” mode – the other’s faults that is. Every now and again, I realize that I am looking in a mirror and the character traits that bother me in the other are actually reflections of my own flaws and foibles.
    The same can be said about what we admire or enjoy in the other, but the negative traits are less palatable, harder to accept as our own.
    Great post, and I wish you well on your quest!

    • Thank you and thank you. Yeah, that “looking in the mirror” thing can be tough. It’s so much easier to figure everyone else out 😊

  3. Interesting concept, being attracted to certain people because of our own needs. I can identify with that. Eight years wth a single parent bringing up his two kids. I wanted kids, didn’t have any, felt needed, moved in. Ah.
    Learned a lot about myself in those eight years, losing my identity and self worth in the process due to his constant put downs, pretending everything was fine when in fact it was far from it.
    I was lucky, having the chance to rebuild my life, and I look back on it as an important lesson. The relationship failed, but I moved out knowing I’d tried everything to make it work. No regrets on my part at all and no blame either.

  4. Well said. Whenever I hear someone rage against others for their woe, I want to shake them into reality. We are the choices we make, so we need to understand why we make them and what void we are trying to fill. When I painstakingly try to analyze the whys in my relationships, some may call it obsessing. I call it common sense.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.